More Sass!

Dear Irene

“I prefer my pretzels for eating, not as the shape I need to bend myself into to please my man.”—Rae Jean Beech

In 1956, Dear Abby (aka Pauline Phillips) and Ask Ann Landers (aka Eppie Lederer, Paulina’s twin sister) started dishing out advice to the lovelorn and lifetorn in newspapers around the nation.

Now, here on this website, as readers of Abby and Ann Landers have aged for decades and approach their Boomer Years, Dear Irene (aka Irene Shere) provides tips for Boomer Chicks to help with the care and feeding of their Aging Human Male. (And, if you wish, you can specifically ask for sweet suggestions from Helen Weels — Dear Helen — or badass advice from Rae Jean Beech — Dear Rae Jean.)

Dear Irene,

This lockdown has my husband “Fred” locked and loaded for a fight! We are in our mid 70s and both have several health issues and so are doing strict self-isolating and not leaving the house except for walking in the neighborhood some days. We have been together for 17 years, retired three years, and usually get along pretty well. Seems like we used to have one or two big fights a year. Now, several months into quarantine, he is often Mr. Curmudgeon and picks a fight every other week or so......Help!

—Trapped in a Cage with a Bear

Dear Trapped in a Cage with a Bear,

Lions and tigers and bears. Oh my! It used to be a jungle out there, but, while we “elderly” are self-isolating, it’s a jungle in here! What happens when a quarantining Aging Human Male and Aging Human Female are stripped bare and put in a locked down cell for two years? Do they each turn into a bear or do they bare their heart and soul to each other? Do they barely make it? Or do they grin and bear it?

My dear friend Helen says that most “elderly” women are having an easier time with the pandemic and lockdown than most aging men. She says that women are so used to adapting to major life body changes (getting periods, getting boobs, getting married, getting babies, getting hot flashes, getting cellulite) that they are more “go with the flow” (pardon the pun!) She says that any woman who can go nine months, day by day, waiting for a baby—or can wait many days, day after agonizing day, to see that special colorist to wash away the grey—can go many days waiting for a vaccine. She prescribes patience and much alone time

My dear friend Rae Jean says that for some of us, old age just means that our ass gets tougher, like aged leather, and our mouth gets sassier, like we’re sucking sour lemons. She says that just because he is a bear, you don’t have to be a pussycat! She says toughen your hide by shooting back with zingers and ease your mind by kicking back with Singapore Slingers!

I, on the between hand, often find myself embracing both Helen’s feelings and Rae Jean’s actions. Here are some tips on how not to poke the bear while stoking your own self-worth and joy.

“Shake it off.” This is brilliant wisdom from pop star Taylor Swift. Life is short. Tempers don’t have to be. Lockdowns are long. Bad moods don’t have to be. Leave the bear in his cage and find the snack bar!
Be sweet, don’t compete. Power struggles are useless. Would you rather be right or be in this relationship? The conflict to see who’s on top should only take place in the bedroom.
Don’t let anyone steal your joy! You are a good person. You are love-able. Whether your Boomer Partner is being a curmudgeon or not, you can choose to be happy. Don’t let your partner’s Quarantine Mean affect your scene. Indulge in activities that speak to your passions. Find joy in the moments.
Schedule/Schmedule. Yes, take a tip from the astronauts who are isolated in the tiny Space Station for months at a time and ALWAYS set a schedule. Perhaps post a daily schedule—when to eat, when to read, when to have that Blessed-Alone-Time-Without-Honey since Honey Bear sometimes feels like he is breathing (garlic breath!) down your neck wayyy too often. Some structure in a swirling, whirling, twirling world may help relieve that “We are Not in Kansas Anymore” Feeling (unless you do live in Kansas!).
Lower the Bar (and fix that stiff drink!) The fewer the chores, the fewer The Chore Wars. “Shoulds” should be scrapped. Rules should--oops, there’s that “should” again—be broken and tossed into the re-cycle bin. Is THAT—THAT being dusting often, wearing fresh clothes every day, having a clean kitchen counter, cooking a hot dinner every night, exercising 30 minutes EVERY day, avoiding sweet desserts—really needed? Unusual times call for unusual expectations, so why not lower the bar and raise up that free spirit?
Perk up with Your Precious Old Dames/Precious Old Dudes (PODs). Sure we can’t touch, but electronic touch is the next best thing to staying connected with your PODs. Have fun with your phone, email your favorite male and female, get off your tuchus and get into Facebook-us, laugh on Zoom (Zoom into Zoom instruction guide) as if you and your best buds were in the same room, be a gram on Instagram, be sublime on FaceTime. Virtual hugs can be virtually life-saving! So when it comes to PODs and the Pandemic, we are all in this together. Actually, we are all in this alone together.

And so, Trapped in a Cage with a Bear, please know that you are not alone and that you need not be in that cage. The Beatles’ antidote for The No-Vaccine Quarantine Blues: “I get by with a little help from my friends.” And please know that you are not even in that cage when you can spend time on your passions and feel self-love in your heart.

Sending healing and hugs

-Irene