Reality Show & Tell

“To err is human, to self-forgive is divine.”—Helen Weels

Precious Old Dame Tales

Crazy situations seem to just happen more and more often, especially when our Aging Human Female brains are just not multiprocessing or even single-processing the way they used to! One way to put goofy happenings into perspective is to think of them as I Love Lucy episodes! Remember laughing out loud at Lucy, who was prepping for an Italian movie, climbing into a vat of grapes and stomping as she do-si-doed around her grape partner? You are not alone in your best laid plans turning into disasters. Here Annie, Brenda, Lillie, Harriet, Patti and Mary Show and Tell. Why not share some from your life with us?

Annie and Her “Lucy and her Cell Phone” Episode

Annie was in Sears looking for a purse. She had chosen Sears because they had dozens and dozens of purses within her budget. She wanted a purse with a zipper pocket on the outside that was big enough to hold her cell phone, so she decided to try out one purse she liked by putting her cellphone in the pocket to make sure it fit. Then she tried her phone in another purse, and then she saw another cute purse, and another cute purse, and then… she realized that she didn’t remember which purse she had last put her cell phone in! 

Annie looked through a dozen purses and couldn’t find her phone! She panicked. Feeling mighty stupid, she went over to a salesperson, who looked all of 16 years old, and explained the situation. The salesperson then shared this with another salesperson, who also looked all of 16, and, needless to say, they both looked at Annie like she was a little nuts. The first salesperson took out her cell phone and called Annie’s phone, but Annie’s phone was on silent mode, so nothing happened. Finally, after a few minutes, they saw a purse shaking and vibrating on the shelf and Annie went and got her cell phone out of that purse. 

She was so embarrassed! (And yes, she did buy that purse!) It took her a few weeks before she shared this with her PODs, whereupon an avalanche of laughter cascaded through the room.

And Annie’s story started an avalanche of I Love Lucy episode-style stories from her PODs… 

Brenda and Her “Lucy and Her Boob” Episode

Brenda loved to play tennis. One Tuesday, she went to her indoor tennis club to play with a male friend, and as she unzipped her sports jacket, she looked down and saw… OH, NO! Brenda had had a mastectomy several years before and used a prosthesis on her left side and she had forgotten to put her prosthesis in her bra! She was a 38D on her right side and, without the prosthesis, a 38A on her left side!

Brenda panicked, and then had an idea: she ran into the ladies’ room, pulled out her spare pair of sport socks from her gym bag, and shoved them into her bra. Whew! She was good to go! 

After recovering from her embarrassment, she later laughed with her girlfriends at her Pee POD Poise Party over the new meaning of the saying, “Put a sock in it!”

Lillie and Her “Lucy and the Sexy Postmaster” Episode

Lillie always liked to send snail mail birthday cards to family and friends and put special celebratory birthday cake stamps on the envelope. She went to the post office to buy some stamps and, as she was waiting in line, she checked out the postmaster, who was definitely eye candy. His good looks got her musing about her love life. 

When Lillie got to the counter, she asked the postman for some “celibate stamps.” He looked at her quizzically. She repeated, “I would like some celibate stamps.” He looked over to his counter colleague and loudly asked, “Do we have any stamps commemorating celibates?” That postman looked puzzled for a minute, then said, with a smile on his face, “Do you mean celebration stamps?” Lillie began blushing and stammered, “Yes, something for birthdays!” Then she quickly paid for her birthday-cake-themed stamps, grabbed them, and ran out the door, as the people still waiting in line chuckled. Sharing this story at her Pee POD party prompted many amusing celibate-theme cards from her PODs on her next birthday! 

Harriet and Ralph and Unsolicited Advice

Harriet loved to play golf. Golfing with her girlfriends was fun. Golfing with her husband Ralph often ended up in Unsolicited Advice coming Harriet’s way. She started joking with him and saying “UA” whenever he was mansplaining to her about how to improve her golf game.

For the holidays, Harriet gave Ralph a mug from the University of Alabama (even though he hadn’t attended college there) because the front of the mug had a big red “UA.” Ralph, with a crimson blush appearing on his cheeks, felt fit to be tied. (So, some unsolicited womansplaining for non-Southerners: Alabama is The Crimson Tide.)

Pandemic Partners Patti and Patrick Fight and Make Up

Pandemic Partners Patti and Patrick had a bad fight. They made up the next morning. That afternoon Patrick said to Patti, “There is something special for you on the kitchen table.’” Patti walked to the kitchen, thinking, “How romantic! Could he have had flowers delivered? Did he add something chocolate to yesterday’s Instacart order?” When she got to the kitchen, at first Patti was a little disappointed, and then overjoyed...sitting on the kitchen table was a pack of 10 rolls of toilet paper!”

Mary and Michael and a Deafening Roar

Michael: “So I brought you the Chinese carryout pork dish you asked for.”

Mary: “I didn’t ask for any pork dish!”

Michael: “Yes, you said, ‘I want the pork dish.’”

Mary: “No, I said, ‘I want more of the dish we had last week!’”

Michael: “That’s not what you said!”

Mary: “Yes, it is. You never listen to me!”

Michael: “Yes, I do—I heard you loud and clear!”

Mary: “YOU are the lout!”

Michael: “YOU are the one who needs to get out!”

Let’s hear yours!