Wo-mantras for Tango-ing

“Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.”—Audrey Hepburn

Practice these wo-mantras to help with your inner voice—and your outer voice—as you make a choice to tango or tangle with your AHMale. It may not feel like it at the time, but tango-ing or tangling is a choice.

1.  Sometimes “good enough” is good enough. Let’s be realistic here—you may be perfect, but your Boomer Buddy will never be perfect, even with your skill and talent in caring and feeding him. Sometimes your white knight in shining armor needs to be appreciated for the muddy knight in slightly tarnished, battle-weary armor that he is. Lower the bar and it will be easier for him and his tired steed to jump over it and you can all continue on your merry way.

2. Don’t hate. Cut bait. When things start to smell fishy, cut bait and run. Better to exit a fight and leave the room so that it is easier to patch things up later and not have to apologize for the #&*@ said. It takes two to tangle.

3. “Shake it off.” This is brilliant wisdom from pop star Taylor Swift. Life is short. Tempers don’t have to be. 

4. Junk the judgment. Try to accept this aging man as is. In all his glory or vainglory,  dirty underwear and bumbling apologies. Only Boomer Chicks are perfect. Obviously. 

5. Be humble about your fumble. Everyone makes mistakes. Admit the fumble. To quote Miss Piggy, “Who, moi?” Humble pie can be hard to make (who ever did get the knack of homemade pie crust?), but it has a sweet aftertaste.

6. Don’t clam-up, speak up! Don’t harbor those inner feelings too long or they get rancid and come out as nastygrams. Speak up, you cute crone, you!

7. Be sweet, don’t compete. The conflict to see who’s on top should only take place in the bedroom.

8. Rise above the storm and ride the inner wave of laughter. Just how funny is it to be fighting about THIS?!! 

9. Ask Yourself: “Why Not?”  Maybe, just maybe, there is another viable option for this power struggle. Loosen up? Try a new dance step in this tango!

10. “OH!” instead of “NO!” “No” can put up a wall and maybe you don’t need a wall here, but some common open ground. Instead, put up an “OH!” invitation. Then just wait, be patient, and see what unfolds.

11. “That is an interesting point of view.” No commitment and no decision gives an AHFemale —and an AHMale— time to think and feel.

12. Get out your Dolly umbrella! As Dolly Parton says, “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain!” 

13. Don’t let anyone steal your joy! You are a good person. You are loveable. Whether he is being a curmudgeon or not, you can choose to be happy.

14. “Amen.”  The only last word you need. Grit those teeth, tighten those gluts, and let him have the last word—it really isn’t the LAST word.

The Rebecca Rule

“Listen to everything your man says. Then do what you want.” —Rebecca,Irene’s Mom

Mansplaining just keeps happening and happening, ad nauseum. Rae Jean womansplains that “Mansplaining is a simple explanation from a simple man simply looking for trouble.” Rebecca Solnit observes, “Mansplaining is… the intersection between overconfidence and cluelessness where some portion of that (male) gender gets stuck… (accompanied by) that smug look I know so well.” (TRUTH, Men Explain Things to Me, Haymarket Books, 2015.)

But what self-respecting Boomer Chick needs a definition of mansplaining? We Aging Human Females all know it when we hear it! Don’t our eyes do that automatic roll-back as soon as he starts up on his soapbox? 

One day, deep into a struggle in her own Aging Human Partnership, Irene asked her mother Rebecca how she herself had survived 65 years of marriage to a man who seemed to have invented mansplaining decades before it was even a word. Her mom Rebecca replied without missing a heartbeat, “Listen to everything your man says. Then do what you want.” Irene was grateful for the advice, but she wished that her mom, who was rather quiet, had given her that advice when she started dating at 16! This advice from her mom became Irene’s The Rebecca Rule when dealing with conflicts with her aging man.

As you listen to your aging man’s bossy mansplaining, feel free to recite The Rebecca Rule to yourself. It goes without saying that women want choices and it is your choice on how to respond when an aging man is snake-bitten with the need to mansplain.

The Erma Edict

“That won’t work for me.”—Erma C., therapist for forty years  

These five words compose a complete sentence, believe it or not. 

No excuses necessary. No apologies necessary.

No need to explain or womansplain with reasons. 

No need for “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” 

Set this clean, clear, self-respecting limit and then stop. Take a stand and then stand strong.

And no further explanations of The Erma Edict are necessary —further womansplaining won’t work for this womanhandling lesson!

 The Geezess’s Guide to an Easy, Breezy Life

1. Strike out on your own path, away from his fart. If you get lost, you can machete a new path or backtrack and take the road not taken. Sometimes getting lost is the best way to find yourself.

2. Trust your instincts. They don’t stink. What? Back to odors again! 

3. Recall those faint voices from your childhood dreams. Turn those voices into your own special song. 

4. Close your eyes and remember five things that made you laugh so hard that you cried—or peed —and do those things again! 

5. Recall your past loves—people, activities, thoughts, hopes—and reconnect or re-create these.

6. Think of morning farts as wake-up calls. Every morning, ask yourself: “How can I bring joy to me this day?”

Sparkle Up Those Dame Diamond Feelings

Here, my Precious Old Dame, is how to polish your emotional diamond to an exquisite shine. 

Nourish yourself first. Take the flight attendant’s safety advice at the beginning of a plane trip: if the oxygen masks fall, put on yours first so that you can help others. What type of oxygen do you need? Feeling overwhelmed? Tired? Angry? Lonely? Sad? Bored? Hangry? Think about returning yourself to your OM-base of calm. Breathe! 

Don’t let anyone steal your joy. No one can make you feel like a bad person if you truly believe you are a good person. 

Own and honor your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings. There are no right or wrong feelings. No one can tell you how to feel.

Take time for yourself with a walk in a park or soak in a steamy bath with a really steamy book.

“Lose that Unloving Feeling!” (Shout-out to composer Carole King.) Choose a feeling or attitude that you no longer want. Is there a sell-by date on this feeling? Did that feeling expire years ago? Time to put it in the trash and take that garbage can to the curb for an immediate pickup. Stock your emotional pantry with a new feeling that nourishes a fresh new attitude!

Be your own good mother to yourself. Hug yourself. Love yourself. Feed yourself chocolate. Perhaps Virginia Woolf was thinking of self-love—and chocolate— when she said, “One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.” 

Doing nothing is doing something special. Stare at the trees. Play Solitaire. Soak in a hot Epsom salt bath.. Binge watch Grace and Frankie. Take a nap. Mindlessly search Zillow for your dream villa in Italy. Apply a facemask and lie in bed doing nothing for the 30 minutes as it hardens.

 Your Precious Old Dames are female oxygen. Your PODs are the ultimate polish for supporting, affirming, and sustaining your feelings. Depend on one POD or a Pee POD Poise Party for many breaths of fresh air.

Honor your heart. Your feelings are your heart and, in the words of psychologist Belleruth Naparstek, “Our heart is the seed of our strength and the home of our spirit.”

Share your Wo-mantras with us!