More Sass!
The Pandemic Primer
“Wine glass half full, wine glass half empty...why not make it a full on whine experience.”—Rae Jean Beech
The Pandemic Primer provides additional chapters to the Care and Feeding of the Aging Human Male Species that womansplain how to be a Semi-Quarantine Queen while navigating the Post-Quarantine-Vaccine Scene with your Aging Human Male. (YIKES!) This newsletter, arriving in the middle of each month, provides a road map to ease your Pandemic Progress and your own sweet self—and provides something else to read for those times when you still feel like shutting yourself in the car in the garage with the radio blaring just for some precious alone time!
Here’s the latest….
and be sure to check out the archives below for more chuckles!
I’m a Teenager Trapped in an Old Body!
Volume: Sigh!
Issue: I am young at heart!
Date: October 1, 2022
“I’m a teenager trapped in an old body.”—Betty White
I’m a Teenager Trapped in an Old Body!
Remember the days…
When Amazon was either just a river in South America or a harpy woman wearing boob and cheek protectors…
When hybrid referred to a new vegetable or fruit and not to a car…
When a troll was the ugly ogre under the bridge in The Tale of the Three Billy Goats Gruff…
When Safari was an excursion in Africa and not a leap down the internet rabbit hole of anything you ever wanted—or didn’t want…
When Siri was the wrong name for a cloud on your 3rd grade science test…
When Roe v. Wade was the decision you had to make when you were sailing and lost wind and it was getting dark and you needed to get to shore—row or wade back…
When a flash drive was the urge that some guys had to show you their stuff…
When windmills were on solid land surrounded by blossoming tulips…
When TikTok was the way we were mesmerized by the school clock hands on a hot school day in June…
When rap was either something you used for presents or something that you got when you were wrongfully accused of being a bum (a bum rap)…
When green was something that Kermit loved being…
When Chrome was just the gleam on the front grill of your new Studebaker…
When a cell was something that held a prisoner captive, not something you held in your hand that captivated you 24/7…
When text was a schoolbook. “Students, open up your text to page…”
When a booty was something that babies wore and not something that adults shake…
When being cancelled meant that your debts were paid…
When Apple was a red or green fruit, not a tech logo with a byte taken out of it…
When Zoom was something you did outside on your roller skates or bike or scooter…
When “Oh, snap” was something you did with your fingers to music…
When crypto referred to King Tut’s tomb…
When the color purple referred to a book and not to political states…
When pronouns were parts of speech and not parts of gender identity…
When Sprint was what you planned on doing when the schoolyard bully eyed you from across the playground, not one of the mega-phone companies bullying you into a better plan…
When phishing was a fun way to catch your dinner and not a way to get caught yourself…
When drone was what your math teacher did on and on and on and on...
When Paleo was what people said you looked like when you weren’t feeling well…
When DoorDash was something you did at 3pm every school day…
When Google described Groucho Marx’s eyes…
When iPhone meant “I’ll call you.”
Some ideas of your own? Please share!
Enjoy feeling young!
Irene
Pandemic Primer Archive
